Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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