Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize