It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
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