remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize