Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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