what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
