we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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