Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
