He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
