Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
