Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
