i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
