Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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