alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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