so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
