The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
