I got chris browned last night
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
40s are totally the cure
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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