So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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