I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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