I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
