i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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