you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
