I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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