The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
