I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
