Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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