so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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