so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
