I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
