i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
