I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
