You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
