we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
and you fell through a lawn chair
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
