we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
