Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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