I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
