Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
