Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
