I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
