I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
