I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
