I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
