i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
