forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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