my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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