I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
