I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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