i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
no you cant smoke seaweed
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
jump out the window naked night went bad
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
