dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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