The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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