There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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