I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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