We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
