Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
