she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
