If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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