I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
