forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
