so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
